The following is a fictional interview with Joey "The Shark" Quimby, Alleged mastermind of the Quimbino Crime Family. Although the questions are factually accurate to the best of our knowledge, the responses are, shall we say, embellished and stylized -- purely for fun! We do not speak for any actual person known by Bill Quimby, Joey Quimby,"The Shark," or for the producers of, "Mayored to the Mob."
An EXCLUSIVE Interview with Joey “The Shark” Quimby
by Katie Calling, of the TOLL FREE JOURNAL.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Thanks for having us today, Joey. So this is your New Jersey hideout. Very quaint. That rotary phone is a nice touch.
Quimby: ‘Dats right, ‘dis is our new joint. Geet yet?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Huh?
Quimby: Geet yet? Don worry. I got ‘cha covered. Hey Vinny? Run down to Joisey Mike’s and bring us some grinders. [turning to Katie]. It’s a “family” business, you know.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So, you are the mastermind behind the Quimbino crime “family,” that runs the toll free industry?
Quimby: ‘Dat ‘ed be me, Capo Di Tutti Capi, the “boss of all bosses”... Capi dei Toll Free. I run the Commission.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: You run the FCC?
Quimby: Well, it’s like I run the commission! What kind of Capi dei Toll Free would I be?... Hey, ‘dat rhymes! Let’s just say, we take some poetic license with ‘dose 95-155 rulings.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Yes, that's well documented. We understand you’ve personally taken care of over 50,000 customers. Wouldn’t that be one new customer every hour since you’ve started in business 15 years ago?
Quimby: 500.. 5,000.. 50,000, what’s da difference? It’s all good money.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So you really don’t have 50,000 customers?
Quimby: Look, I’m just tak’en care of business. How should I know? “Hey Vinney?” How many dopes wease got?... “Ah, he already left. Let’s just say we have more than anyone on the planet, ever.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: And almost 2,000 testimonies?
Quimby: Yeah, we got test'a'moans. We got 100 refers too. Who else’s got all ‘dat?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: There’ve been some accusations that you wrote some of those yourself. Is that true?
Quimby: How ‘bout ‘dem sharks? Do you’se know about ‘dose sharks running out there?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: I thought we were taking about your testimonies?
Quimby: Hey, nobody can make up shit like I can, okay? Before I got into the “family” business, I used to polish ‘dose flunkies resumes down on 'da Joisey Shore.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: And these testimonies have a remarkably consistent voice.
Quimby: You know ‘dat word, “resumes?” It’s a big one, Katie, but you look like a nice girl whose been schooled. Lipstick on a pig; Lipstick on a pig, ‘dat was my specialty.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So you wrote those testimonies and references yourself?
Quimby: So, we used a little persuasion? What of? Me and my boys get things done.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Ever been convicted of a crime?
Quimby: Convicted?.....[long pause].... Naw.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: You say in your July 17, 2010 post that if you ever went out of business, you’d go to work for the FCC. There are those in our industry who believe you’ll be going out of business when the FCC arrests you. Which is it?
Quimby: Arrested? Me, arrested? Those flunkies down at the FCC don’t got not’en on me! Do you hear me? Not’en!… Well maybe ‘dat cutting-in-line racket. Man, ‘dat was like shooting fish in a barrel! But, how would ‘dey know? ‘Dey don’t know not’en. Beside, ‘dey're not the boss of me!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: You virtually lead the industry in emergency SMS-10's with 289 since January (download "EMERGENCY SMS-10, 2010 by Bill Quimby of TollFreeNumbers (QZ) and others" and view with Excel). During the same period, AT&T -- with millions of numbers under management -- only executed 9, while Sprint had 31 and Verizon had 3.
Quimby: Was ‘dat a question?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Do you expect anyone to believe you’ve had almost 300 “emergencies" since January, 2010? Many, just hours before the numbers were to go spare?
Quimby: Hell, yeah! Do you think this lifestyle comes cheap. Hey, every dope who got one of ‘dose hijacked numbers paid just $999 juice. Wasn't that noble of me?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Well, your clients must certainly believe you’re a brave and noble man.
Quimby: I think of myself as Robin’ ‘da hood. Ha!... “Robin' ‘da hood.” Do ‘ya get it? Toll-free, dat’s my “hood.”
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Okay, as I understand it you justify your services by saying you're, "getting numbers for end users," but you're just seizing them through the Help Desk with fake or irrelevant signatures. Aren't you like a fence, selling stolen goods to unsuspecting end users?
Quimby: Hell, no! We're full service. We do 'da fence AND do 'da 'Jack'ens. Who else does all 'dat?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So you signed the LOA's for all those Help Desk actions yourself?
Quimby: No way! Everybody knows me down at 'da Help Desk, so I had to cool it. I just have Vin... Well, how should I know who signs?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: You mean Vinnny? The guy who just ran to Jersy Mikes?
Quimby: How should I know? We're really big. Really big. Maybe my daughter.. my wife or some'en.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: You had your loved ones commit felonies?
Quimby: Hey, how is it a felony when you don't get caught? ... Besides, nobody enforce'n not'en down there at 'dat commission! We get numbers for end users. End users!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But you need authority of the rightful subscriber to seize a number.
Quimby: Who's checking?... The Help Desk just does what I ask. We get numbers for end users. End users!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So, you believe the end justifies the means?
Quimby: Don't get all confus'en on me! It's for "end users, end users" and, yeah, I put through the paperwork and it "just flies" right through. So, yeah, 'da end user just flies, ya know what I mean, or whatever you said....'Da're sharks out there! Don't you want to ask about 'dose sharks?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: You're not worried the FCC is going to check those fake documents to see if the rightful subscribers actually signed them?
Quimby: A cuma ma ta'da
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Hakuna Matata?
Quimby: Yeah. No worries.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So, what brought you to upstate New York then back to New Jersey?
Quimby: Well, I did leave on short notice. Let’s just say it was an offer I couldn’t refuse. Hey, those Internet tubes don’t reach to ‘da Joisey Shore, do ‘dey? It wouldn’t be good for nobody to know where I was.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Well, I won’t tell anybody… So, you run your New York business from right here in New Jersey?
Quimby: Hey, it ain’t good to eat where you s&*%. Besides, if one of ‘dose Federal officers comes hunt’en me down with a subpoena or some’em, how ‘dey gonna find me?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But, you’re hiding out in your parent’s basement. They might think to look here.
Quimby: Now ‘DAT was low! I gots my own entrance, don’t I?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Touchy. Touchy… No need to be so touchy, Joey. But, do you really think with a name like "Quimby" you can just change from Joey to Bill Quimby, and no one will know who you are?
Quimby: Wit’ 'dis receding hair and ‘des nerdy glasses, ‘dhey’ll never know it’s me. Beside, I’ve been lifting weights since I got back. Just look at ‘des guns!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Impressive. Okay, let’s turn to this new 855 Numbers.com site you and your boys put up.
Quimby: There are sharks out ‘dar! Let’s talk about ‘dose vanity number sharks.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: I’d rather ask about 855Numbers.com. You know, the site you launched with a slot machine for ….
Quimby: Allegedly! Do you’se see any slot machines now? Huh, do ya?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: ....Well, there are archives of the site and there was a slot machine until you took it down. Anyway, I was just saying it is a site for requesting 855 numbers?
Quimby: Brilliant piece of work, if I do say so. And the Vig!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Vig?
Quimby: Ya know, Vigorish. "Dat's Italian for, "‘Dose dopes put in $8.55 for every “chance” ‘dey take, and there are millions of numbers; millions of dopes!" Not only ‘dat, you can buys a “chance” on 85 different phone companies. I’m sure we’ve only made a few hundred bucks, ‘dough, so what’s all ‘da commotion?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Loren Stocker of Vanity International reports that you may have sold $65,000 worth of “chances” in first hours, and $150,000 by the next day.
Quimby: Now, HIM I don’t like. He’s a stoolie. I’m just a “family” man running a little numbers game. Why does he have to keep blow’en my cover? Is ‘dat the rat who broke ‘da story?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Do you expect anyone to believe you’ve only made, “a few hundred bucks,” when your own request counter said you processed over 18,000 requests in the first 24 hours?
Quimby: Of course. How silly of me.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Loren feels you were deceiving the public into believing that you actually run the “clearing house” for toll free 855 numbers, when you have little or no connection to any of the 85 legitimate companies listed—and certainly no permission to take orders for AT&T, Verizon, and others.
Quimby: I been clocking him. That RAT is always trying to muscle in on MY action. Why’s everyone looking at me when he’s the one wit' 'da, "pretty bad reputation!" Have you seen that posted on my site? He's got a "pretty bad reputation," just because I say so!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Isn’t that a projection? Eveyone works with Loren. But, aren't YOU are the only toll free “professional” -- and I use that word loosely -- who Loren won't work with? And, aren't there are dozens of other professionals who operate on mutual respect, yet want nothing to do with you?
Quimby: So what if ‘dose sharks all 'tink I’m a weasel. Do I care that ‘dey won’t allow me at their gatherings? Fer’get about it! ‘Dat’s no projection, 'dats a VENDETTA for ‘dat rat Loren! He’s not the leader, I AM THE LEADER; THE LEADER OF 'DA TOLL FREE WORLD! Who needs followers! …Especially a bunch of loser, broker, vanity number sharks! And, besides, ‘dis Loren guy only gets numbers for himself.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But, I know Loren and he helps people get great vanity toll free numbers, like you do. Didn’t you copy-cat his business model when you first got started in toll free numbers?
Quimby: Your point?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: We’ll, I’m just asking. Didn’t your original website have a pirated version of Loren’s 1995 Adverting Age article with YOUR name on it?
Quimby: Oh, ‘dat. So, ya’ gotta break a few eggs to make an omelet. You gotta problem with ‘dat?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Okay, and it says here you have over $432,000 in Judgments against you. Any concerns the state will come down on you?
Quimby: Lies! All lies, you got me?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But, you just made $150,000 in one night.
Quimby: It’s a Family business!... So what if my daughter makes a nice living? What of?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But she’s not even old enough to work. Didn’t you just say you were the, "boss of the bosses?"
Quimby: Hey! Me?.. I’m just scrap’en by. Do I look like a guy with attachable assets? Not one! Zippedy. Zipo. Zip. If I did, I’d have defends myself and ‘DAT would blow my cover! See? Always 'tinken.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Yes, that seems like a brilliant cover. Let’s get back to this 855 Numbers racket.
Quimby: Hey, what’da ya mean by “racket?” We’re just running a little numbers here… And what about ‘dose sharks out there?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Sorry, I didn’t mean to say "racket." You said in your July 14 rant that there’s, “no such thing or reason for an agreement” with any of the 85 phone companies listed on the site?
Quimby: Hey, why is everyone focused on me. There are sharks out there. ‘Dey’re the real bad guys.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But, aren’t you a shark?
Quimby: Don't GET TECHNICAL! I hate technicalities. It’s ‘DOSE sharks you have to watch out for! We just sell protection. We protect ‘dose dopes from ‘dose sharks.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But aren’t you the one running this “little numbers game,” as you put it?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Well people want to know what they’re getting for their money.
Quimby: Why do ‘dey need to know?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: It’s just right. They pay money and you provide a service, right?
Quimby: All ‘dey need is to believe we’re providing a service. Just believe.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But how can you provide a service here? You have no relations to the 85 phone companies listed on the site.
Quimby: I’m collect’en names, collect’en names. Lottsa names. It’s a "win-win!"
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Won’t these 85 phone companies want to collect the names themselves? They will certainly put their own best customers first on their 855 request lists, ahead of your lottery players.
Quimby: ‘Dey’re not ready.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Ready?
Quimby: Yeah, ‘dey’re not ready, so I get to do it. “Window of Opportunity,” you follow? I wrote the book on ‘dat!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But what happens when you take an 855 number request to AT&T and it gets rejected? You must realize that customers believe they’re actually on AT&T’s list, not yours? Didn’t you say you, “instantly verify, free of charge, that no one else has Requested this 855 number with your phone company?”
Quimby: Allegedly! Allegedly! Where does it say ‘dat now? ‘Dat site is squeaky clear and I’m just take’en a list. Why don’t you ask me about da sharks out there? ‘Dey're the really danger!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: And you must know that customers will have to call AT&T themselves.
Quimby: Why? Nobody needs to dial nobody! ‘Dey just pays me money and fuggedabout it!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: These are actual orders for phone service. AT&T is not going to take orders from some guy with a clip board. You can’t just sign or submit a 3rd party request for service, so won't customers need to place these orders themselves?
[NOTE: Here's a copy of an actual, "Request to AT&T for 888 Number Reservation(s) from January, 1996. Signature was required and each order was placed by the individual customer. Nothing has changed. A "request" with AT&T and others is an actual order for service and -- absent an agency relationship with the phone company -- orders must be placed by the customers themselves].
Quimby: Why is everyone focused on me? There are s-h-a-r-k-s out there!!! ‘Dey are the vanity number s-h-a-r-k-s!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Okay, okay. What about these other sharks?
Quimby: Death Threats seem to work.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Good grief!
Quimby: And nobody F&%$s with me! Follow? Or, I twist their faces and slander 'dem on my tollfreenumbers site and everywhere else. Nobody hates on me! Ya hear me? Nobody! Do ‘dat, and I become their WORST NIGHTMARE!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Slander? Nightmare?
Quimby: [Softly now] See, Katie, we’re just selling protection, a’right? Let’s say some dope doesn’t know to call his phone company next Tuesday. We’re going to remind him to make ‘dat call, and we’ll be first to remind him ‘cause he’s first on our list. Ya’ follow? Dat’s “protection.”
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But, you’re selling hundreds of “chances” at each phone company. Don’t customers only need one reminder?
Quimby: Just look at the big picture. ‘Dose dopes are dreaming about landing great numbers like 855-Flowers, 855-Lawyers, 855-Dentist -- worth way more than $8.55 -- so ‘dey pay up. ‘Dey just need to believe ‘dey have a real shot, a real shot! Ya follow? ‘Dey just need to believe.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Your customers believe they are placing requests at any of 85 actual phone companies, and you don’t see a problem with that?
Quimby: Hey, ‘dey won’t get ‘dose numbers anyway, so fuggedabout it! You know we like to help, right? Dat’s all we’re doing is helping. ‘Dey’re dream’en and we’re helping ‘dem dream. It’s a, "win-win," capish?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Okay, Joey, so now that you’ve stopped charging for requests, let’s get specific. You collected almost 2,000 requests for AT&T alone at $8.55 each.
Quimby: ‘Bout $170 in vig’, right? Chump change, ya see?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But, you just said you had, “almost 2,000 requests.” Isn't that’s closer to $17,000 in “vig.”
Quimby: Was ‘dat a question?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: You confess in your September 16, 2010 posting, “We’ve had a Range of Responses,” that your 855 request lists were rebuffed by all the major carriers.
Quimby: I am buffed, but ‘DEY had not’en to do with it. I’m 'da guy who went to gym.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Bell Canada, Qwest, and Global Crossing rejected your list and told you that all these, “real customers” -- you’re say you're so concerned about -- had to contact them directly. The others, Sprint, Verizon, XO, and AT&T won’t even return your calls.
Quimby: Like I said on ‘da site, “most of the companies just took the list and will add it to their own master list.” Most of ‘dem means a MAJORITY; over 50 percent!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Perhaps, but you must know that the "majority" of the 855 requests themselves – around $100,000 worth -- went to these seven major carriers. All were either REJECTED or IGNORED.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Then, in their legal notice to you, one of these major carriers stated that they, “did not request and does not appreciate the “service” you purport to be providing for us and our customers in regard to requests for 855 numbers.“
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Their concern was that by taking requests for a fee that, “you are misleading [real customers] and creating unreasonable expectations that neither you nor we can fulfill. “ Further, they put you on legal notice that they are holding, "you responsible for any complaints or claims [their] customers make."
Quimby: What do ‘day know? I’m the LEADER of the toll free, no ‘dem!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Now that this 855 request scheme has proved to be folly, what are going to do?
Quimby: We’re going to Disneyland.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: What did you do for this $100,000 you seemed to have bilked from the public?
Quimby: We’ll we went to Chili’s last night. We love ‘dose Faitas! Ever try ‘dat?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: I’m sure Chilis’s is nice, but for $100,000 in request fees you just sent emails and left a few messages?
Quimby: As I say in my post of September 20, 2010, “I merely [offered] to send the requests of my customers to their phone company.”
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: And when you wrote back to the General Counsel of that publically traded company, did you really start your letter, “Dear Mr. Lawyer.”
Quimby: Nice touch, don’t you ‘tink?.. Restrained... At the time I was ‘tink’en, “Hey, Look Asshole:”
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: You stated in that letter that, “Nothing I have said or done is misleading [customers] to believe that I represent [publically traded phone company],”
Quimby: See? Are we squeaky clean or what?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: The letter goes on. You state, “Actually if you had looked at my websites you would see that quite the opposite is true.” Do you expect anyone to take your current website as proof?
Quimby: Yep. We’re taking order for free now!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But it’s months later-- and you've whitewashed the site! When those “dopes,” as you put it, paid $100,000+ you said, "We tried to make it fun. We hope you enjoy the “game.” Good luck and thanks for playing," and were taking orders on a slot machine…
Quimby: ALLEDGELY! ALLEDGELY!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: … and you promised to, “verify free of charge that ….
Quimby: WE DID! WE DID! None of ‘dose dopes requested twice. It’s verified.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But you said you would, "instantly verify, free of charge, that no one else has Requested this 855 number with [their] phone company;" the actual company.
Quimby: Look. I’ve got lots of “company.” My wife, daughter, Vinney,… Why would I need any more company? We’re all going.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: What about the promise you made?
Quimby: I’m follow’en through. I promised my daughter we’d go, and we’re going to Disneyland.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Huh? Aren’t you going to issue a refund ?
Quimby: Do you ‘tink I’m out of my frig’en mind? Refunds would be like saying I was guilty or some’em! I just ran a numbers game. There ‘re winners and losers. Those dopes are just losers.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So what are you going to do when AT&T, or one of the other major carriers, actually reserves one of these requested 855 numbers and gives it to somebody else?
Quimby: I’m going to say ‘dat $8.55 request was lost at AT&T.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: You’re going to lie?
Quimby: 'Dat's NO lie. I sent 'dem 'da list!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But what happened to, “Welcome to 855Numbers.com, your clearing house for 855 Requests.” You said you were the “clearing house;” That you would, “verify, free of charge;” that you would, “coordinate the requests with each phone company.”
Quimby: Hey, what’da you want for $8.55 ?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: A real service. The truth, maybe?
Quimby: You want truth! You want truth? I’ve got a lifestyle! LIFESTYLE!!! I can’t be worried ‘bout some jerk-off lawyer or stupid judgements.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So, something like $100,000 in 855 requests ended up in some spam folder and nobody returns your calls? Do you feel any remorse?
Quimby: “We most,” did you say? We mostly feel it's been great. Most of the carriers took ‘da lists. Over 50%! Over 50%!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Any regrets?
Quimby: Yeah. I got regrets. I could’a done more -- could'a made millions in "vig" -- if it wasn’t for that stoolie, Loren. "We tried to make it fun," and all he did was whine about integrity, "one-armed bandits,"and shit like that [a small tear trickles down Quimby’s cheek].
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So you believe that Loren spoiled your fun? Cost you millions?
Quimby: Yeah. We needs a truce. You tell 'dat RAT, I'll stop lying about him, if he stops truth'n about me!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Joey, I think it's too late. The truth about you is out there. It's well documented.
Quimby: Well, I gotta a lawyer and turned him in to the FCC -- just as 'dose 855 numbers are being launched. That'll fu%& him good!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: I heard. Loren was glad to hear you have some adult supervision.
Quimby: He's gonna sell 855 numbers to the highest bidder
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Huh? How's he selling numbers? He charges professional service fees to secure numbers, just like you do.
Quimby: But he doesn't have a fixed fee.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: I was just about to ask about YOUR new fees, but why would that matter?
Quimby: That means he's selling numbers?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL
: How is that any different from your prices on premium numbers
? Don't you charge more for harder-to-get numbers?
Quimby: Yeah, but I decide what 'dey pay. You can charge more, you just can't just get paid more. If Loren let's his customer decide what to pay, 'dat's a violation?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Huh? What kind of twisted logic is that? His "self pricing" system allows the customers to decide what his services are worth rather than imposing a price on them. How does that create a violation?
Quimby: Somebody gets left out. Somebody gets left out, so 'dat's a violation?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But the number can only go to one person. Somebody's always left out.
Quimby: Don't get all confus'en on me. I say he's a stoolie and a vanity number broker. What I stand for is quality, integrity, and honesty. You got me? Quality. Integrity. Honesty. Just read my website. It says so right there!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Okay. Okay. Speaking of "integrity," your promised you were, "not gouging or raising our prices for 855 numbers like everyone else just because there’s a higher demand for new 855 numbers," isn't that true?
Quimby: Well, yeah. What of?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: And you said, "I run my business very differently. I don’t think it’s EVER appropriate to gouge customers even if the demand is so high that they think they can get away with it"[emphasis added].
Quimby: Yeah. That's me. Always looking out for the little guy.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Then, speaking of "honesty," you went on to say, "I prefer to charge an HONEST price even if the demand goes up and everyone else thinks its smarter to gouge! That’s why I say this is a Gouge Free Zone"[emphasis added].
Quimby: Yeah. It's 'DOSE sharks out 'dar doing 'da gouging. It's 'dose sharks out 'dar! Ha! Wasn't 'dat nail in the head a nice touch?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Finally, this quote is a bit long, but it seems to really capture the essence of who you are. Speaking of one of those other "sharks,"you said, "They are making excuses that they offer a “PREMIUM” service. OK, right. ...GOUGING by definition is charging more because of excessive or increased demand... If you think you’re going to get 10 times as much chance to get the number just because you pay 10 times as much, look up the definition of GULLIBLE while you’re at it. The difference is whether you put the customer first or your profit first."
Quimby: Yep. That's what I stand for. 'Dat's why I say, 'dis is 'da ONLY "Gouge Free Zone!"
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Joey, just last night you sent out an email offering a "Premium" upgrade for 10 TIMES your "honest" price. Sound familiar?
Quimby: Hey, 'dats no gouging! It's only 9 TIMES the usual price!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Then, anyone who doesn't PAY UP gets shut out of the first day's reservations.... After accusing everyone else of "gouging" exactly like this, aren't you the one putting "your profit first?"
Quimby: Profits? Sure we make profits, but I put "customers first." "Dat's why they buy a "Premium Upgarde." To be first on 'da list.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But they were already first on your list.
Quimby: Oh, 'dat was the old list. Now we have 'dis special "Premium" list, just for day one.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So then, like you just ranted, "somebody's left out."
Quimby: LEFT OUT! LEFT OUT! Nobodies left out!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: And you're charging them 10 times more -- excuse me -- 9 times more, or $450 to be on your "Premium" list.
Quimby: ..Those dopes pay'n just $49 are pushed to day two and beyond. That's all!...
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So, dozens of small business write the FCC to help YOU get this 100-per-day cap, and now you reward them with a $450 premium -- or they're off the list?
Quimby: Ce la vie. Who said toll free was, "free!"
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So, just which part of this zone of yours, here, is "gouge free?"
Quimby: Hey, I'm a family man. Everyone's gotta eat.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: And after you lapped up those $450 orders, you repeated this nonsense about never jacking your price because of demand..
Quimby: Why dwell on reality?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: ...And doubled your price?
Quimby: Are we still talking ‘bout lifestyle? Can we move on to some'em new?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Okay, okay. They say you’re the Glenn Beck of toll free. How’s that sit with you?
Quimby: Who ‘dat?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: A cynical outsider with a big mouth and grand illusions of himself.
Quimby: I’m flattered, but just ‘cause he’s got my big mouth and grand illusions, doesn’t mean he measures up to MY standards. He’s got 'ta be famous too..
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Oh, he's Infamous.
Quimby: ...And has to be a great American like me!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Well, I suppose; along the lines of Benedict Arnold and Joseph McCarthy.
Quimby: But does ‘dis Beck understants ‘da Constitution like I understand 'da toll frees?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: If a sixth-grade understanding makes expertise, you guys nailed it!
Quimby: To be like me, he would have to ‘da TOP authoriety, smart’r ‘dan anyone else-- even smart'r 'den President Baracko, or whatever his name is.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: You can be sure he thinks he is!
Quimby: And he'd be leader of 'da free world like me; ‘da leader of 'da toll free world!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: A legend in own mind, absolutely!
Quimby: Does he know about 'dose sharks out 'dar?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: You two are twins, when it comes to shark alerts!
Quimby: Yeah, but great leader like me has to be sensitive to 'da issues.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: If you consider soft, emotionally fragile, with spooky mood swings to be "sensitive," he's your guy!
Quimby: Does he look out fir 'da little people, like I do?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Does he? Beck tried to claim the memory of Dr Martin Luyher King, although he’s secretly black...
Quimby: Hey, I’m secretly shark!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: ...And held the single biggest whine festival of all time.
Quimby: I love 'da wine too!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Yes, Joey. We know.
Quimby: But he gots to have followers!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: He’s got minions.
Quimby: Ah... Well ‘den, a famous and great American leader wit’ millions of followers, that’d be me! Joey ‘da Beck.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Ah, you've already got a nickname that sticks, and we really appreciate the endless comedy you provide.
Quimby: I always liked ‘da funny guys best!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So, can we could get back to these "premium" upgrades. It looks like this 855 code opening raised a little cash for you... Ah, I mean for your daughter, of course.
Quimby: That's nothing.. 'Da REAL MONEY is in those little reservations will make after day one [Joey's now licking his chops, eyes wide]; When 'dose dopes pay 'dar, "success fees!" We got 'dens of thousands of requests!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But, Joey.... Why would anybody wait for you to make reservations on day two, three, or beyond?
Quimby: Did you look up 'dat word: GULLIBLE?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: I did, but surely you know there are 45,000 reservations available on each day. Why wouldn't they just call one of the 400+ RespOrgs without automation...
Quimby: HOLY SHIT! [Interrupting]
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: ....and just place an phone order for FREE?
Quimby: ...I didn't 'tink of 'DAT!!!.... Shit! Shit! Holy Shit! Vinney, you idiot! Didn't you 'tink about 'dose dopes DEFECT'EN 'cause of 'dat STUPID 100-a-day limit of yours! Vinney!!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: I thought the 100-a-day limit was your idea?
Quimby: Oh... Well, yeah,... 'Ahhhhh.... Dat's right! I'm the recognized leader of the toll free world, but it's VINNY'S who's tak'en 'da fall for 'dis one! You know my motto:
Somebody else, is always to blame.
Smear on to others, and then claim the fame.
[Joey, suddenly whirling in his chair] Oooohhhhh, mmmmyyyyy GOD! WHAT HAVE WE DONE!.. Vinney!!! Day one, we're finished! Vinney!!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Maybe you could charge for a SUPER Premium upgrade for being in the first 10? It's not like you have any credibility at stake.
Quimby: All 'da frig'en MONEY we could'a made! Vinney!! Oh, Katie. We've done ourselves in!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: You were correct when you said you really, “don’t understand" and "Some phone companies just do get it." Say, I think Vinny's back.
Quimby: He's back? Geet? Say, you know we can help you get a number like, 855-TF-Journal! We can really, really help with ‘dat. How about $4,500 to to put 'ya in the top 10 on our premium list?
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: How about those "tens of thousands" of customers you claim to have? Shouldn't you try to get THEIR numbers first?
Quimby: "'Dey can pay up, or fend for 'demselves. I told 'dem back in July, "that [they] should contact [their] local phone company too."
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: What happened to, "Quality. Integrity. Honesty?"
Quimby: I told 'em. Honestly.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: But, you boasted about $49 being your, "honest price, even if demand goes up," and now your jacking up prices, just as "demand goes up."
Quimby: Demand didn't go up. Supply went down; just 100 per day, so I don't see how "DAT has anything to do with demand. 'Dar two different 'Tings.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Basic economics.
Quimby: You got 'dis mixed up, Katie. Supply went down, but who's demanding?.. Well, I'm demanding more cash 'cause I got less to sell, but nobody else is demanding not'en.
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: So much for that "Gouge Free Zone" of yours. Doesn't this $450 premium upgrade -- $45,000 the first day -- call your integrity into question?
Quimby: Integrity? Integrity! Who needs a 'DAT when you've got 'da Googler? We're number 1!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: Ahhhh... maybe I’ll just place that order myself, but thanks for the offer.
Quimby: But, ‘dey’re not reaaaaady! "Dey're not ready! Okay, okay. Katie. How about 'dis: $450 to be in the FIRST 100! We really, really want to hel... [whirling again] Oooooh, my God. What of we done! Vinney!! Vinney!! All 'dos dopes are all gonna defect after 'da first day!
TOLL FREE JOURNAL: I know, Joey, but let's just go eat.... [looking at Joey, now sobbing] Oh dear. Let me wipe those tears.
Quimby: Thanks, Katie. This could'a been big. Really big.